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I Wasnt Ready - Transscript
SCENE 1 - Piper Chapman , Tasha Jefferson Piper I've always loved getting clean. I love baths. I love showers. It's my happy place. buzzes Was my happy place. on PA All inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice. Repeat, all inmates in D dorm must be checked for lice. Tasha throat Piper Oh, I'll be out i a sec. I swear. Tasha Mmm-hmm. I'll wait. There best be some hot water left. Piper There wasn't very much when I started. Tasha Mmm-hmm. Man, hurry! Piper All right, okay, okay. I'm done. I'm out. I'm totally out. Tasha Damn, you got some nice titties. laughs Piper Thank you Tasha You got them TV titties. They stand up on they own all perky and everything. Piper Okay. Tasha You know they sell flip-flops at the commissary. Piper My money's not in yet, so. Tasha You creative. I give you that, high-tits. laughs Now get the fuck out the way. Piper Okay. singing door slams song playing door slams SCENE 2 - Pete Harper, Larry Bloom, Polly Harper, Piper Chapman Pete So there's an entire pig in there? Larry Yes. Pete For four of us? Larry It's a small pig. I really wanted to use the box. It was my birthday present. She's guilting that she's leaving. It's a guilt pig-roasting box. Pete At least you get something. I'm not getting laid for a year, too, but what do I get? Larry A baby? Pete But you can't eat it. Polly Are we really gonna eat that? Piper It's thematic. Polly But you're not serving time in Cuba. Piper Pigs. Cops. Polly How the fuck are you going to jail tomorrow? Piper Prison... not jail. Polly You're missing my shower. Piper Polly, I'm really sorry. Polly I know. You focus on how you're gonna mantain your eyebrows behind bars. You may not come back with a unibrow. Am I allowed to cry? Piper No. Seriously, no. Polly sighs Larry Okay, we are ready. Everybody inside. Piper Need a hoist? Polly Yeah. Piper Big girl. Polly chuckles Piper On to the last supper. SCENE 3 - Piper Chapman, Larry Bloom Piper We got to do it. Larry I know. sighs God, we really should not have eaten so much. Piper I know. Come on, we gotta rally. Larry Okay. Piper Make some memories, you know? Larry Yeah. Piper You need some spank-bank material. Larry Oh, well... I mean, when you say it like that. Piper Mmm. Larry Mmm-hmm. moaning Piper Wait, I got... Larry What? Piper I gotta pee. Larry What? No. Piper Yeah. Larry Really? Piper I just.. Larry moaning Piper I'll be... I'll be right back. Larry groaning Hey. Piper Yeah? Larry You look beautiful. Piper Thanks. Larry sighs groans grunts Oh, shit. Piper sobbing sniffling flushing Larry What? Piper You look beautiful, too. [Larry[ throat Come on. Get in. Hey. You're crying. Piper Shh! Just fuck me. Larry Piper. Piper Shut up. Please. Please. Larry Okay. SCENE 4 - Wade Donaldsson, Piper Chapman, Larry Bloom Wade No visiting today. Piper Hi, um, I'm here to surrender. Wade Oh, okay, then. Piper Did he look surprised to you? When I said that I was here to surrender? Didn't he look surprised? Like, "What the hell is she doing here?" Larry I didn't notice. Piper Well, he looked surprised to me. I look like shit. My eyes are all puffy. Larry You're worried about how you look? Piper Well, they're gonna know that I was cyring. It's a sign of weakness. You can't show any weakness. That's what all of the books said. Larry Oh, sweetie... Piper Don't call me sweetie. [Larry[ Oh, Leonard. Piper That's better. I can't take it with me. Larry Oh. Oh, okay. Right. Piper What are you doing? Larry What? Piper You can't put that in your pucket. It's gonna end up at the bottom of the washing machine. Larry Okay. Um... Where would you like me to put it then, Piper? Piper Up your ass. Larry There's no room. Apparently, my head's already up there. Piper I'm sorry. Larry It's okay. You know what? I'm gonna put it in my wallet. Okay? Piper Mmm-hmm. Larry And when I get home... I will put it in your jewelry box. Until I'm short on rent, then I may hock it. But I'll try to get it back before you're out. Piper We should go. Larry Okay. Piper exhales Okay. SCENE 5 - Elique Maxwell, Larry Bloom, Piper Chapman Elique Self-surrender. Yeah, well, no one told me either. on PA Available guards... Elique Got the paperwork right here. Name is Chapman. Yeah. Chap... like when your lips get all dry they're chapped. Have a seat. Piper. Rhymes with sniper. on PA Inmate Robinson to the visitor area. Larry You hungry? Piper Not really. on PA Guard Thompson to the tower. Larry Eat anyway. It's a burrata. Piper Oh. Thank you. My mother told her friends I'm doing volunteer work in Africa. Larry chuckles I bet they're all appalled that you've gone somewhere so filthy and dangerous. SCENE 6 - Piper Chapman, Carol Chapman, Cal Chapman, Larry Bloom, Celeste Chapman, Bill Chapman Piper So I never carried drugs. Just... money. Carol You were a lesbian? Piper At the time. Cal You still a lesbian? Piper No, I'm not still a lesbian. Larry You sure? Celeste I once kissed Mary Straley when I was at Miss Porter's school. But it wasn't for me. Cal Wow. Bill Did you know about all this? Larry No. No, no, I didn't. throat I mean, she told me how she traveled after college, but she failed to mention the lesbian lover who ran an international drug smuggling ring. Imagine my surprise. Celeste What on earth did you do with the money? Piper Well, Grandmother, I wasn't really in it for the money. Celeste Oh, Piper, for heaven's sake! Cal chuckles SCENE 7 - Piper Chapman, Larry Bloom, Elique Maxwell, Wanda Bell Piper So this is my last post as a free woman. Larry What are you gonna write? Elique Hey! Uh-uh. Oh, no. You cannot have a phone in here. This is a federal facility. You have to take that out. Piper Oh, can I? Am I allowed to go out? Elique He can take it out. Piper So no... no phone? Larry You knew that. Elique Now. Piper Oh, my god, Larry, by the time I get out there'll have been, like, three new generations of iPhones. Elique Sir, I can get an officer to escort you out. Larry No, I'm going. It's okay, I'm going, okay? I'll be right back, okay? I'll take the phone to the car, I'll be right back. Okay? Two seconds. Yeah? Piper Okay. Larry Two seconds. closing Wanda Chapman! Piper Yes. Yes, that's me. But you have to wait. Wanda You're telling me what I have to do? Get your ass over here, Chapman, now. Move it. Piper He's, he's gonna be right back. We've been waiting here for two hours. Wanda And the wait is over. Here's your temporary ID, you'll stick this on your uniform when we get to that, Now... Larry Here. I'm here. Here I am. Piper Here he is. Wanda Who's this? Piper My fiancé. Wanda Yeah? Good luch with that. Piper Excuse me. Wanda Any personal items? Piper Here. Wanda You can't take this check. Piper But we called last week. And they told me to bring it. Wanda He has to send it to Iowa. It takes a few weeks to process. Larry A few weeks? Doesn't she need to buy things. Wanda How it is. Piper Where do we send it? Wanda Hey, you got that Iowa address? Any Nudie Judies in here? Skin pics? Naughty stuff? Piper No. No Nudie Judies. Wanda Time to say goodbye. It might be a while til you can visit, fiancé. Piper I love you so much. Larry I love you, too! Piper I'll call you as soon as I can. Larry Okay Piper Okay? Please send that check immediately. Larry Okay. I will. Piper I love you. Please keep my website updated. I love you so much. Larry sniffles Piper It's okay. It's okay. closes SCENE 8 - Wanda Bell, Piper Chapman Wanda What size shoe are you? Piper Nine and a half, ten. These are kinda like Toms. Wanda Who's Tom? Piper Toms are shoes. When you buy a pair, the company gives another to a child in need. They're great. And they come in lots of different colors and... Wanda How nice. Strip. SCENE 9 - Alex Vause, Piper Chapman music playing Alex Get over here. mouthing Come here. Piper Are you gonna miss me? Alex Yes. Too much. Come with me. Piper What? Alex Come to Bali. stops Alex Come with me. I mean it. I'll buy you a plane ticket. Piper Are you serious? Alex Yes. kisses Come with me. Quit your job. Come with me. Piper Well, I'd... I'd have to give notice. Alex You're a fucking waitress. You don't need to give a notice. Piper Will I get in trouble? Alex God, I hope so. chuckles Piper You know what I mean. Alex You don't have to do anything. You're just there to keep me company, all right? Come on, babe. I want you to come. And I want you to come. Piper moaning Alex Yes? Is that a yes? Piper Yes. Yes. SCENE 10 - Wanda Bell, Piper Chapman Wanda Open your mounth, stick out your tongue. on PA Inmates, an updated facility rules with inmate discipline list is posted in the day room. Wanda Lift up your arms. Turn around. Squat. Spread your cheeks and cough. Piper Seriously? coughs SCENE 11 - Lorna Morello , B. Moskovitz, Piper Chapman Lorna That it? Moskovitz One more coming, hold on. Piper My zipper's broken. Lorna First time down? Piper My first time here? Lorna Oh, no your first time in prison? Piper Oh... yeah. Lorna It's not so bad. Everyone's okay. You've gotta watch out for the stealing. So what's your name? Your last name. Everyone uses last names here. I'm Morello and that is Watson. Piper Chapman Lorna And how much time you got, Chapman? Piper Fifteen months. Lorna Oh, that's not so bad. I got 34, but I'm hoping with good time it'll be less. Piper You... So you're a... They let you drive? Lorna Well, who else is gonna do it? chuckles We do everything around here. Hey, can I ask you something? You look like you'd know. All right, which dress you like better? My top two faves are the ones with the half-and-half lids stuck to the pages. See, I want something that's gonna express my personality. And the trick is, I wanna show off the boobs and the ass, but I'm not so happy with the upper arms and the stomach, so there's the challenge. Piper Both nice. Lorna That's all you gotta say? I gotta look good. My first dance is gonna go on YouTube. SCENE 12 - Piper Chapman, Larry Bloom Piper Look! I found a rock that looks like a penis with one ball. Larry No. Piper It's my Lance Armstrong rock. Larry Hold it up. Let me see, let me see. Nice. Okay, now lick it, softly and tenderly, like you would've when you tought he was clean. Piper Oh, Jesus! Shut that thing off. Larry You're making a huge mistake. This could go viral. Piper Seriously, shut it off. Larry What? Piper I'm so fat from all the stress-eating. I really don't wanna record of it. You know that's one thing I'm gonna do in prison. I'm gonna get... ripped. Like Jackie Warner ripped. And I'm gonna read everything on my Amazon wish list. And maybe I could even learn a craft, you know? I could be crafty. I'm gonna make it count, Larry. I'm not gonna throw away a year of my life. What the hell are you looking for? Oh, no! What is that? Larry Piper... Piper Oh, Jesus, Larry. Why would you want... Larry Why would I want a felonious, former lesbian, WASP-shiska who's about to go to prison, to marry me? Piper Yes. And all of the stress-eating? Larry Well, because... this peculliar, underachieving, underemployed Jew-boy loves her. And knows that he will never be bored, and... can't believe... how lucky he is that he met her. I gotta lock this shit down before you leave, Pipes. I love you. You wanna marry me? Piper When I get out, right? Larry Whenever you want. Piper I'll be so ripped. Larry chuckles You could wear a wedding dress that's like a half-shirt, you know? Show off those abs. Piper Yeah! chuckles Was it your grandmother's? Larry No, my mom's saving that one for my sister. This is my great-aunt Marcia's. She had thyroid cancer and a series of schnauzers, all named Schnapps. That's all I know. Put it on. I had it sized. Good. Piper It's beautiful. Larry And that's a "yes," right? Piper Yes. Yeah. Larry Will you say that just one more time for me? But, this time, just into the camera, okay? Piper Oh, you asshole! Larry laughing Come on, I had to capture the moment. Piper Shit. Turn it off! Larry What? Piper Give me that! Larry Ooh, you're cold. Come here. SCENE 13 - Lorna Morello, Piper Chapman, Janae Watson, B. Moskovitz Lorna Bounce your legs up and down. It keeps your feet warm, Piper Thanks. Janae You think your man is still gonna be around when you're out? Lorna Yeah, he'll be there. I'm the love of his life. Janae Thirty-four months is a long time. Piper Yeah, but she's the love of his life! Janae And who the fuck asked you? Moskovitz Head on up. on PA Armored gates, open number one and two. Lorna All right, so his tie is gonna match the bridesmaids' dresses. There's six bridesmaids. My cousin's being a bitch, so I'm thinking about dropping her. SCENE 14 - Lorna Morello, Claudette Pelage Lorna All right, let's go. whistling talking laughing buzzing Lorna Hello, Miss Claudette. Claudette Morello. Lorna Watch out for that one. Don't get me wrong, she's a good lady... but you don't wanna get on her bad side. Go ahead. Go. Okay, I'm gonna send you all through to processing, you'll get your room assignments, and I'll meet you back here and show you your bunks. Okay? Don't look so bummed. Gonna get the wrinkles. SCENE 15 - George Mendez, John Bennett, Piper Chapman George All right, raise your head and look at the lens. Ah, crap! New guy... what's your name, Bennett? Bennett, it's not fucking working again. John You turn it on? George Yeah, I turned it on. John throat Wait, I think I got it. Ready? Piper Yeah. Yep. John Wait, no. George What does this button do? John No! Don't touch that. George Sorry, princess. Piper There's a cord right there. Do you think that that needs to be connected to something? George Shut your mouth and stand still. beeps John She's right. George Okay, fine. Got it. Piper I wasn't ready. George Tough shit. Next. SCENE 16 - Igme Dimaguiba, Piper Chapman Igme This is a TB test. Nice veins. No track marks. Piper Thanks. Igme Tattoos? Piper Oh, yeah. Igme Oh, a fish. You like fish? Piper Saw it on a scuba diving trip. Thought it was beautiful. Igme I don't like fish. I like pork, chicken. But it's a pretty fish. Piper Thanks. SCENE 17 - Piper Chapman, Alex Vause Piper It's gonna rub off when I sweat. Alex No, it won't. It's waterproof. Stop. So, when this dries... you should be good to go. Piper How am I gonna get it off? Alex Acetone. Piper Great. Alex, I don't, I don't know if I can... Alex Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Shh! sighs You are a nice... blonde lady, aren't you? A proper young lady. Just picking up her sensible bag in the baggage claim... before heading off to her mid-range hotel to go over her schedules. Museum visits and fancy dinners. It's all fine. It's all good. And I will meet you in Brussels, and everything will work perfectly, babe. I promise. It's all gonna be okay. SCENE 18 - Sam Healy, Piper Chapman Sam Are you okay? Piper Fine. I guess. Sam What's PoPi? Piper Poppy. It's a bath products line I'd started with my friend, Polly. Polly and Piper. PoPi. We're gonna be in Barneys. Sam Barneys? Piper It's a nice store. Sam It's a pretty big case. Criminal conspiracy. Piper That's what they charged me with. I carried a suitcase of money. Drug money. Once. Ten years ago. Sam What's the statute of limitations on that? Piper Twelve years. Sam That's tough. Piper Well... I dit it... That one time... 10 years ago. Sam What did your lawyer say? Piper He said with the mandatory minimums with drug crimes, he wouldn't recommend risking a trial. So, I pleaded out. Sam And here you are. Piper Here I am. Sam Costing the tax payers money and sweating in my armchair. You know, I've been here for 22 years, and I still can't figure out how the system works. I got a crack dealer who is doing nine months, and then I have a lady who accidently backed into a mailman who is doing four years. I mean, the guy broke his collar bone, but come on. I just don't get it. Are you gonna barf? Tell me if you're gonna barf. Because there's a can behind you. Piper I won't barf. Sam I will be truly displeased if you barf anywhere but in that can. Piper Not gonna barf. Sam Miss Chapman, no one's gonna mess with you here unless you let them. This isn't Oz. Women fight with gossip and rumors. They might peg you for rich and try to hit you up for commissary. And there are lesbians. They're not gonna bother you. They'll try to be your friend, just stay away from them. I want you to understand... you do not have to have lesbian sex. Piper I have a fiancé. His name is Larry. He's a writer. Can he come visit me? Sam Is he in here? Piper Yes. Everybody's in there. Sam All the people in the PSI are cleared to visit. He can come this weekend. I'll make sure the list is in the visiting room. Piper Thank you so much, Mr. Healy. Sam You just keep to yourself... and you'll be fine. And don't make friends. And remember... nothing goes on here that I don't know about. SCENE 19 - Larry Bloom, Piper Chapman Larry You know everything about me! I tell you everything! The webcam horror, the penis shaving incident. How do I not know this? Piper What was I supposed to say? It was... It was a phase. It was my lost-soul, post-college adeventure phase. I was so embarrassed. I can't believe that she did this. Larry I can't believe you did this. I mean, who are you? I feel like I'm in a Bourne movie. Have you killed? Piper sobbing Larry Oh, Jesus. Oh, no. Baby. Stop. Stop, stop. Come on. Come on. shushing Okay. Piper You should break up with me. Larry Y What? Piper You didn't sign up for this. Larry Okay, stop it. Stop it. Come on. Shh. It's okay. Piper Okay? Okay? "Witness states, Piper Chapman carried drug money. Piper Chapman was part of the ring." Larry Were you? Piper I was 22. I thought that I was in love. Larry sighs Piper I was in love. And it... was all crazy. And then it got... scary, and I ran away, and I became the nice blonde lady that I was supposed to be. I knew... that she wasn't a good person, but fuck her! Fuck her! This is not gonna be okay. Larry No. Piper No. Larry It's not. Piper Mmm-mmm. Larry But we'll deal with it, okay? We'll figure it out. Have you called a lawyer? Piper No. Larry I'll call my dad. Piper No! No. Please don't call your dad. He already hates me. Larry Yeah, well... I love you. And... And he loves me, so... here we go. SCENE 20 - Lorna Morello, Erica Jones, Piper Chapman, Dayanara Diaz, Janae Watson Lorna All right, we gotta hustle, 'cause the count's soon. Rooms up here. Dorms are down there. Now, you are not allowed down there. It's out of bounds for you guys until you get assigned there. You understand? Namaste, Jones! Erica Namaste! Lorna She teaches yoga if you ever want, and she's good. She's very spiritual. All right, we got some offices here. This is the dining hall, common room, counselor's office. Who you got for a counselor? Piper Uh, Healy. Lorna Okay. Yeah. Piper What? Lorna Nah, it's fine. It's fine. He does his paperwork. That's a good thing. Dayanara When do we get outfits like everybody? Lorna I don't know. Maybe tomorrow after breakfast. You go down, you speak to the lady... Piper gasps Janae What the fuck? Lorna Friend of yours? Dayanara No. It's my mom. SCENE 21 - Lorna Morello, Anita DeMarco, Gloria Mendoza, Dayanara Diaz, Piper Chapman, J. Thompson, Scott O'Neill, Nicky Nichols Lorna All right, Chapman, Diaz, this is you. Uh, DeMarco, this is Chapman. She's new. Self-surrender. You know her what's what? Anita Sure. Lorna Okay, Mendoza, this is Diaz. Go, go. She'll help you. Gloria Spanish Be with you in a sec. Just gotta finish here. Dayanara Um, I don't speak Spanish. Gloria Great. Another fucking coconut. What's the matter with your mother, she don't teach you Spanish? Lorna Here. Here's some tissues. First night's always hard. And a toothbrush. They don't give you one. Piper Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for everything. Lorna Aw! No, no. It's no problem. We look out for our own. Piper Our own? Lorna Oh, don't get all PC on me. It's tribal, not racist. I'll see you around. Anita Tell me your name again? Piper Piper. Chapman. Anita That's Miss Rosa. And that's Nichols. Just got out of SHU a week ago. Told a CO to kiss her ass. Dumb. Why make trouble for yourself, you know? Piper SHU. That's solitary? Anita Yep. And you don't want it, honey. Trust me. Here's some toilet paper. You gotta take it with you. Piper Thanks. What's that thing? Anita Oh, that's my machine. I need it at night. When I first got here, I had a massive heart attack. Do you know about the count? Piper Wait, can you go back to the heart attack? Anita I don't like to dwell. Piper How do I make a phone call? Anita You need a PAC number. Fill out a form. Whole rigmarole. But maybe Caputo will let you make a call later. It helps if you cry. tongue Don't make your bed! Piper What? Anita We'll make it for you. Piper Oh, no, that's okay. You don't need to do that. Anita Honey! We'll... make... the... bed. We know how. Piper I know how to make a bed. Anita We know how to do it so we'll pass inspection. You can help clean. We clean everything with Maxi Pads. Piper Seriously? Anita Yep. It's a head-scratcher, but that's what we got. Piper So, we make our beds in the morning before they... Anita No. You sleep on top of the bed. With a blanket over you. Piper What if I want to sleep in the bed? Anita Look, you can do what you want, but you will be the only one in this entire prison that does. You want that? Be my guest. guard Count time! Count time! Count time, ladies! Anita That light goes on, you need to be where you're supposed to be, and you don't move until it goes off. Dinner's after. Gloria Hey, blanca. You speak Spanish? Piper Spanish Gloria You see... fucking white girl speaks Spanish. Thompson clicking Piper So? Anita whispers Ssh. Wait. Scott clicking Piper Dinner's at 4:30? Scott Recount, ladies! Anita grunt They always screw it up. Nicky How hard is it to fucking count? Anita Nicky, this is, uh... Piper Piper. Uh, Chapman. Nicky Look at you, blondie. What'd you do? Piper Aren't you not supposed to ask that question? I read that you're not supposed to ask that. Nicky You read that? What, you studied for prison? laughs Scott clicking Piper What did you do? SCENE 22 - Baggage handler, Piper Chapman, Alex Vause Baggage I can't understand your French. Piper Mon bag! Bag! My bag hasn't arrived. Baggage Oh! The bags do not make it onto the right flight sometime. Wait for the next shuttle from Paris. It's probably on that plane. Piper yelps Mon bag! My bag. in French Spanish Bonjour Alex Oh! Bonjour. Welcome to Belgium. All good? I was starting to worry. Where did you come from? Piper Over there. Alex You didn't go through customs? Piper No, I just walked out of that door and it brought me right here. Alex You skipped customs? Holy shit! It's genius. Piper Well, should I go back? Alex Fuck, no. We're going to the hotel. I'm gonna eat you for dinner. Piper Alex, I was so freaked out when the bag didn't show up, I almost bailed. Alex Well, it's good thing you didn't. There's over 50 grand in that bag. Kubra would have had you killed. Come on. SCENE 23 - Gina Murphy, Piper Chapman, Erica Jones, Jane Ingalls, Nicky Nichols, Carrie Black, Galina Reznikov Gina Keep moving. You're blocking up the works. Okay, go sit there. She's a nice white lady. Piper Thanks. Hi. It's okay if I sit here? Erica Sure, newbie. I'm Jones. Piper Chapman. Erica You doing okay, Chapman? Piper I don't really know how to answer that question. Everything's pretty surreal right now. Erica Do you know what a mandala is? Piper Um... Those are those round Buddhist art things. Erica The Tibetan monks make them out of dyed sand laid out into big, beautiful designs. And when they're done, after days or weeks of work, they wipe it all away. Piper Wow. That's... That's a lot. Erica Try to look at your experience here as a mandala, Chapman. Work hard to make something as meaningful and beautiful as you can. And when you're done, pack it in and know it was all temporary. You have to remember that. It's all temporary. Piper It's all temporary. Erica I'm telling you. Surviving here... is all about perspective. Don't eat the pudding. Piper What's the perspective on the pudding? Erica It comes in big cans marked "Desert Storm." Sometimes the kitchen has to scrape the mold off the top before they serve it. Jane Hi, there. Erica Hi, sister. This is Chapman. Piper Sister? As in nun? Jane Mmm-hmm Erica Yep. A killer nun. Jane Now, stop it. She doesn't know you' re joking. Erica She chained herself to a flagpole at a nuclear test site. Jane Amen. So. Now... Chapman, what's your story? Piper I chained myself to a drug dealer. Nicky Piper, you can't be taking advice from a nun and a hippie. Erica By all means, seek out the supreme wisdom of the junkie philosopher. Jane I pray for you, Nicky. Nicky Aw. I pray for you, too, Sister. I lust after you, Yoga Jones, those sinewy arms. laughs You gotta love a yoga body. Erica You should come to class. Watch me chaturanga. Nicky That whole common room smells like farts. It kind of takes away the magic for me. You like pussy, Piper? Or you prefer pipe as your name suggests? I'm feeling some Sapphic vibes coming off you. Jane Oh, leave her alone. Nicky sniffs Come on, Sister. You know you would've gone my way if you hadn't married Jesus. Thank you, Mommy. Erica Thanks, Red. Jane Thanks, Red. Piper She's your mom? Nicky Ah. Maternal figurehead. My actual mom lives in Brazil with her boyfriend, Paolo, who destroys rainforests and collects photorealistic art. She is a cunt. I am an embarrassment. Carrie Hey, Red. You got one of those for me? Galina You got what I asked you for? Carrie Uh, I'm working on it. Galina So am I. Treats come when I sleep better. How hard is it to get me a board from the woodshop? Ugh. People. Who's this? Nicky This is Chapman. She's new self-surrender. Thinks she's fancy. Galina Here, fancy. Have a yogurt. Piper What do I have to do for it? Galina You're new. You're one of us. Consider it a gift. Piper Thank you. Thank you so much. whispering The food here is disgusting. What? Nicky Did I mention that Red runs the kitchen? Piper Shit. I'm sorry. Galina Honey. I know you just got here. so you don't know what's what. Well, I'm gonna tell you. You don't like the food? It's no problem. Nicky Holy shit. That was an epic fuck-up. SCENE 24 - Joe Caputo, Piper Chapman, Amy Kanter-Bloom, Larry Bloom, Howard Bloom Joe Can I help you? Piper Um, I'm Chapman. I'm new today. They told me I should talk to you. I don't have a PAC number. Joe Who's they? Piper sobs Mr. Caputo, please let me call my fiancé. I have to let him know I'm okay. Joe Two minutes. You got two minutes, that's it. Close the door, I don't want a run on my office. on PA Inmate Gonzalez report to the supply room. Joe Dial nine to get out. phone ringing Amy Hello, Larry's phone. Piper Amy? Amy Piper? Larry Give me the phone. Amy One second. Can I say hello? Piper Amy, I only have two minutes to talk. Amy Are you okay? What's it like in there? Howard and I brought Chinese. Larry is so upset. Larry Mom. Howard Let him talk, Amy. Larry Ma, give me the phone. Piper Amy, please let me talk to Larry. Amy You know, I read that when Martha Stewart was in prison, she foraged for dandelions. Larry Okay, Mom, please. Amy I was talking! Howard Amy, it's not always about you, dear. Amy What is that supposed to mean? Larry Piper? Piper I only have a minute now. I'm calling from the guard's office. Larry Hey, are you okay? What's going on? Piper I love you so much. Larry I love you, too. Are you okay? Piper I'm wearing granny panties and I've only spoken to white people. Larry chuckles You joining the Aryan Nation? Piper I don't know. But there's a nun here. And you're not allowed to sleep in your bed. Only on top of it. Larry That's weird. Piper I know, right? And when I got here, they gave me these little bars of hotel soap, but no shampoo. But I think I can borrow some from other white people. I love you so much. One of my roommates had a massive heart attack when she got here. Larry Okay... you are not allowed to have a heart attack. Piper What did you have for dinner? Larry My folks brought from The Palace. Piper Oh. The Palace. Dinner here was scary liver. And I insulted the chef, and you're not supposed to eat the pudding because it's been to Desert Storm. Larry Piper, listen to me. You cannot lose your shit, okay? I mean it. Please... please tell me you're keeping it together. Please... please tell me you're okay. Joe Wrap it up, Chapman Piper I'm... I'm Chapman here. Larry You're my Pipes... okay? And, uh, I love you, and... this is only temporary. Piper That's what Yoga Jones said. But it's just been one day. And I can't... I can't! Larry Pipe, you can. You so can, okay? You are so strong, babe. You... And you love adventure, right? That's what got you in there, and that's what gonna get you through. This is all just a big adventure with liver and Yoga Jones, and... and... and racism. Piper You can come on Friday. Please come on Friday. Tell my mother to come on Saturday, and don't tell her that you're coming on Friday, okay? Larry Of course. Okay? Two sleeps. That's it. Two sleeps... on top of your bed. And then, I will be there. Joe Coming up on light out. Say goodbye. Piper I have to go. Larry Hey, no crying. Piper I'm not cyring. Larry Piper, I love you. I will see you on Friday. Please be brave. Don't let anyone into your granny panties. I love you. Piper I love you. Joe Your head's not here yet. Don't worry, it'll catch up. In the meantime, try to get some sleep. Orientation is tomorrow at 9:00. Shampoo for you. I think the words you're looking for arre, "Thank you." Piper Thank you. Joe Good night, Chapman. Close the door behind you. unzips squishing SCENE 25 - Anita DeMarco, Piper Chapman Anita Chapman. Hey, Chapman. Piper What? Anita Rise and shine. Piper What? What? Anita You want time to shower and eat, you gotta get up. Aw, look at your eyes. You should put some cold water on them. Piper Okay. Thanks. Anita Take a nice shower, get dressed, you'll start to feel normal soon enough. You got flip-flops? Piper No. Anita Oh, honey. There's wicked fungus in the showers. SCENE 26 - Tasha Jefferson, Blanca Flores, Piper Chapman singing talking Blanca spanish You're driving me crazy! Boo! Piper gasp SCENE 27 - Anita DeMarco, Piper Chapman, Sophia Burset, Gina Murphy, Nicky Nichols, Lorna Morello, Alex Vause Anita Everyone gets a piece of fruit at breakfast. I'm telling you, it'll all start to feel normal, soon. Really. You hungry? Piper I'm starving. Excuse me. Sophia Such pretty hair. Piper Thank you. Sophia When those roots start to show be sure to come and see me, okay? I'll take good care of you. But even if you don't come to me, don't go to Danita. She'll burn the shit out of your scalp. Go. Line's moving. Gina Wait, Chapman? Are you Chapman? Piper Yes. Gina Red says she made that special for you. Piper Wow. Thanks. Tell her I said thanks. Gina I don't say nothing. I'm just working. Next. Nicky Man, I'm telling you, before my teeth got knocked out, I had this awesome gap. Now they look like Chiclets, look. Lorna You're crazy. Your fake teeth are beautiful. Bet you never get the food stuck in them. So, you got the nice fresh breath all the time. It's minty. It's beautiful. It's like God put them in you every day. A summer breeze coming over here. Nicky Yeah? You like that? Lorna Always smell... Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Oh! What did you do? Nicky She insulted the food in front of Red. Lorna Oh, jeez. I don't think you're gonna be eating for a while. Nicky laughing Anita exclaiming Put it away. I'm enjoying menopause very much, thank you. Lorna You gotta figure out how to make things right with Red. Anita And yeah, yeah. You gotta go down to laundry. Don't forget that. And check the elastic on all the pants. Don't let them get you stretched-out garbage. Lorna Orientation starts in 10 minutes. Nicky At least you had a nice shower this morning, right? I think I saw you in there? Piper I don't... I don't know. Um, excuse me. Lorna Hey! Hey, hey, don't forget, you gotta bus your tray. laughing Anita Where's she going with that tray? Can't take them out of here. Nicky Yeah, she'll figure it out. Lorna Was she really in the shower this morning? Piper panting heavily Alex Maybe this is a bad time to say hi, huh? Piper screams Category:Episode Transcripts